Dear Writers
by Butterbeer1
Summary: What would the Harry Potter Characters say if they could read some of the Fanfiction stories about themselves? Here are some possible reactions, enjoy!
1. The Marauders

Disclaimer:  I don't own Harry Potter and make no money with this story. All rights belong to J.K. Rowling

Dear Writers, 

just so you know, Sirius and James were the biggest womanizers I ever met, if I ever have to read a story about me and Padfoot again, I will make sure Dora locks you in a room with me during the next full moon.

Sincerely, **Remus Lupin**

Dear Writers,

I'm very aware that not even one of you likes me, but just to make this clear: The Marauders and Lily didn't just like me, they loved me! Merlins beard, James and Lily loved and trusted me enough to make me their Secret Keeper! I was a big part of their lives, both during school and in the Order, cutting me out of all your stories won't change anything.

Sincerely, **Peter Pettigrew**

Dear Writers, 

I don't deny that I have a tendency to be reckless since my youth and I know I might be a little unbalanced sometimes, but this is due to the fact that I was imprisoned for 12 bloody years. Stop making me act like a 3 years old kid on Crack in your stories.

Sincerely, **Sirius Black**

P.S. I had no romantic feelings for Prongs, or Moony at any time whatsoever. Wolfstar gives me the creeps. I love them like brothers, and I couldn't be more happy that they married Lily and Tonks. Leave them be.

Dear Writers,

Yes, I was an arrogant prick in my youth, but I changed for the better so no, Snape did NOT deserve Lily more. She turned her back on him because he was a spineless Death Eater, while I was there to support her through everything, regardless of her ancestry. I got the girl for a reason, so suck it.

Sincerely, **James Potter**


	2. The Maraudetts

Dear Writers,

James is the father! Like really, are you blind or something?! My feeling for Severus have never been anything but platonic. Maybe, let me emphazise this again, MAYBE it could've grown into something more, but he screwed it up, so that's that. I won't even start on this whole idea of me and Voldemort, it's wrong in so many ways that I don't even know where to start. I feel like some of you watched Starwars one too many times.

Sincerely**, Lily Potter**

P.S. Just because you saw me yelling at James during one moment in the books doesn't mean I was a bitch all the time. I am actually a really nice, caring person, thank you very much. If it wasn't for me you wouldn't have Harry, the least you can do to thank me is to stop making me look like a bitchy know-it-all.

Dear Writers,

if I have to read one more story about Wolfstar, I will hex you to kingdom come. I know it took me awhile to convince Remus to be in a relationship with me, but he loves me, not my cousin. Get over it. Oh and please stop making me trip over everything the moment I step into a room. Yes, I am really clumsy, but certainly not a mountain troll, I passed Auror training with Mad Eye Moody, for crying out loud! Don't make me teach you why I passed the hard way.

Sincerely, **Nymphadora Lupin**

P.S. My cousin is the epitome of ladies man, why don't you go tell all these women who turn into hysterical fangirls the moment he enters a room about his homosexuality. I don't guarantee you'll live to see the end of your adventure, though.

**Authors note**: Personally, I ship Sirius with Marlene McKinnon, which would make her a Mauradett, too, but Blackinnon is never mentioned in the books or by J.K. Rowling so I left her out. I'm considering writing letters from Marlene, Mary McDonald and Dorcas Meadows too, what do you think?

Next two will be the Golden Trio and the Black Sisters!


	3. The Black Sisters

Dear Writers,

No matter how hard you try, there's no way I'm ever going to be anything but a psychotic murderer. I hate mudbloods with every part of my being, and I wouldn't touch Granger or one of the weasels with a ten-feet-pole. Keep me out of your weird lesbian fantasies.

Sincerely, **Bellatrix Lestrange**

P.S. Children? Who in their right mind would think I could ever be a good mother?!

Dear Writers,

There's no way in hell I'd ever, EVER, switch sides and join the Death Eaters. Yes, I do miss my sisters, especially Cissy, but I would never betray my friends, let alone my husband, daughter and cousin like that. Just because I was sorted into Slytherin during my time in Hogwarts does not mean I'll eventually turn into a psychotic muggleborn hater. You might be in denial about this, but not all Slytherins are evil. Shocking I know. My apologies to everone who's view of the world just got crushed.

Here's another thing I need to get off my chest: I never had, nor will I ever have any kind of sexual relationship with Bellatrix or Narcissa. Just because the Blacks are known for occasional incest does not mean we are all like this. You make me sick.

Sincerely, **Andromeda Tonks**

P.S. Please stop pairing me off with Death Eaters, I hate that lot with everything in me. I left my family behind for Ted, what else do I need to do to get it into your thick heads that he's „the One" for me?

Dear Writers,

Contrary to popular believe I am not in an abusive relationship. I'm actually very much in love with my husband, just because we are proud to be Purebloods and firmly believe in our supremacy does not mean we aren't capable of falling in love with our equals. Therefore there is no terrible life which secretly makes me miserable and puts me in need to be saved. I am a daughter of the noble and most ancient house of Black, not some silly damsel in distress.

Sincerely, **Narcissa Malfoy**

P.S. Stop pairing my son off with this worthless mudblood or my husband will hear about this.

**Authors note**: In all honesty, I'm not quite happy with Bellatrix and the first part of Narcissas letter, I might come back to fix it when I can think of better letters for them.


	4. The Golden Trio

Dear Writers,

Really? I saved the whole bloody wizarding world and this is how you thank me? Malfoy and Snape? I understand that some of you might think my parents death could've damaged me, but I could never, ever be damaged enough to fall in love with the these two. I am happily married to Ginny and if you don't stop trying to fuck this up I will ask her brother to set some of his dragons on you.

Sincerely, **Harry Potter** (The only Boy-Who-Lived)

P.S. Where do you all get your crazy ideas from? Did I ever give you a reason to believe I could secretly be a girl? Good Godric…

Dear Writers,

Malfoy? Really? In all honesty, I punched him in the face, and I enjoyed every second of it. Just to make this clear: If I was given the chance I wouldn't hasitate to do it again, neither will I hasitate to do worse things than a slap in the face to everyone who dares to try and replace Ron with Malfoy. I won't even get started on all the other people you paired me with…Zambini, really? Dumbeldore? What is wrong with you?! Bellatrix Lestrange? I think I just threw up… Snape? No. Just no.

I waited 7 years on Ron to get his head out of his ass, don't you dare to mess with our relationship now.

And just so you know, I'm very well capable of doing more than reading or doing homework.

Sincerely, **Hermione Granger**

Dear Writers,

there's just one thing I really, really want to know. Why in Merlins name do you like Malfoy more than me?! Did I ever do anything to make you dislike me? Well, maybe besides this whole me leaving Harry and Hermione during the Horcrux hunt… But still! Do you honestly want to get me started on all the reasons why you should hate the ferret? I will say this once and for all, so listen closely: STOP. PAIRING. MY. WIFE. WITH. SLYTHERINS! Or other members of my family.

She's mine, and only mine! Get the fuck over it!

Sincerely, **Ronald Weasley**

P.S. Me and Harry?! I don't know what's more sickening, my Hermione with the ferret or me and Harry. It might have taken me awhile to admit my feelings for Hermione, but it didn't mean I swing that way. Not to mention that Ginny would murder me in cold blood.

P.P.S. I'm smarter than a mountain troll, just saying.


	5. Mr & Mrs Weasley

Dear Writers,

Why, oh why do you all try to kill me? I realize that many of you were upset about Sirius death, but that doesn't give you a right to kill me off instead. I have a wife and seven (!) children to take care of for Merlins sake!

Sincerely,** Arthur Weasley**

Dear Writers,

the Battle of Hogwarts should've shown you what I'm capable of if you try to mess with my family. If I catch one of you trying to kill my Arthur again or hook my daughter up with Malfoy junior, you'll realize that Bellatrix' death was only the beginning. Stop messing with my family or I will end you.

Sincerely, **Molly Weasley**

P.S. There's a huge difference between being a crazy, overprotective mother hen and being a caring mother who loves her children more than anything. What kind of mother do you think I am? Pick wisely before you put me in your story.

**Authors note**: Thank you so much for the Reviews! :) I know this is a short chapter, but I hope you still like it. I'll try to make the next one longer.


	6. The poor idiots who married Blacks

Dear writers, 

I do exist. Leaving me out of your stories will not help get my wife and the Dark Lord together (An idea I find quite repulsive, by the way) And for the ones who have the graciousness to let me appear in your silly little stories: I'm more than just Bellatrix' sidekick. Call me arrogant, but I was under the impression that many people considered me one of the most dangerous Death Eaters of all time, it would be freatly appreciated if you gave me the credit I deserve. I highly doubt you want me to show you why I scared the piss out of most mudbloods and many members of your precious Order. Remember what happened to the Longbottoms.

Sincerely,

**Rodolphus Lestrange **

P.S. Rabastan is my brother, for Salazars sake! Nothing more. And to think people thought I was a sick bastard… I've seen more disturbing things in one day than most of you will in your entire lives, but this just makes me want to throw up!

P.P.S. I'm cooler than Lucius.

Dear Writers, 

I'm just here to drop by and say thank you. Thank you very fucking much.

I now have not only two furious Blacks, but a very grim looking werewolf crammed inside my house.

I recently became aware of the rather unpleasant fact that my batshit crazy sister-in-law has a shockingly big fanbase. In all honesty, what is wrong with you? Who would even want to get near her? Most of you are a little young to have such a strong death wish already..

But anyways… While you crazy people seem to be fond of her and that lovely temper of hers, I am not. The infamous Black temper might be amusing from afar, but as someone who's been married to a Black for over twenty years and was lucky enough to have a daughter, who was also blessed with this lovable family trait, too, let me tell you one thing : Experiencing it first hand is not funny, not even a little bit.

I'll probably end up refurnituring the entire house once my girls decide to calm down (Judging from the foul-mothed insults coming from the kitchen, it doesn't look very promising at the moment ), be prepared to get an outrageous bill and/ or a howler soon.

Now that I already started this letter, let me get some other things straight: I was a proud Hufflepuff, just like my daughter. Where did you get the idea from that I could have been a stuck up, smartass Ravenclaw? Also, being Hufflepuff does not mean I'm weak. I had my fair share of fights with the Slytherins and unfortunatly an encounter or two with Death Eaters, but I managed to hospitalize quite a few of them. In case you didn't know: Badgers eat Snakes for breakfast.

Yours sincerely,

**Ted Tonks**

Dear Writers, 

please tell me one thing: Where is this harem full of mudbloods and muggles I seem to own?

For your information, I am happily married to a beautiful, intelligent pure-blooded woman, and even if I wasn't, I would never touch mudbloods or muggles, even if my life depended on it. I am a Malfoy, I have standards. Seriously, stop writing these lies, Narcissa almost ripped me to shreds when she heard about it. Your stories are worse than the ones the Daily Prophet comes up with, and that says something! I was considering bribing you, successfully bribing people is an ability that came in handy mupltiple times and one I've perfected over the last two wars, but I decided it would be way more entertaining to simply lock you in a room with my sister-in-law and see what happens.

There is one more disgusting thing that didn't escape my notice: What makes you think weasels and mudbloods would make a great addition to our noble family? Do you have no sense of colours? Do you realize how bad our beautiful blond hair would clash with red? Not to mention how awful it would look mixed together…

Sincerely,

**Lucius Malfoy**

P.S. Me and…Severus? No, just no.

P.S.S. Rodolphus is an idiot, don't believe a word he says.

**Authors note**: A big thank you to everyone who reviewed the last chapter! :) Hope you enjoy the new one just as much!


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